That was harsh. As well as deserved. I think. Hell if I know. I mean in a way I could go in the kitchen and give her the big brother talk. Again. Like I generally do. It's my role. Among the fixing of broken pieces of furniture and walls.

There is just one tiny detail she forgot.

I had a life. A real life. Normal. 9 to 5 with a bonus check. And I loved it. I'm not some superman. I'm simply a man. Who gave up everything. Again. She may think it was an easy choice. She calls, I run. But damnit, for a spilt second when the phone rang I said no. In my head. No to the pain of losing someone. Again. No to the fears that this time the world was going to end and I had a front row seat to watch it all come down.

No to watching her jump into the fray and know that she may not make it out. That one of us three were already overdo for a death that lasted more than the summer. Joyce's death was hard enough and it was in the world of normal. You are born, you die. It's not happy but it's the way it works. But no demons were involved. Cancer is a bitch, but it's the way of the normal world.

Looking at the other shocked faces around the table I am wondering what is going on in their heads. If they are beating themselves up or like me and wondering why I am here.

Right now I am going with hurt. And worried. Something big is after Willow. Not good.

So we tease her cooking. How can this be new to her? We always tease her cooking. Reason number one, it's not Martha Stewart.

And you know what! If i want to try to start to have a little bit of romance on the side, not a bad thing. I deserve lve as much as the next guy.

I have been there for every mission she has. I have stood beside her for each painful step and wiped tears and blood away. So has Will. We have never run away from this mission.

Not once. Well I haven't. I gave at the office and then at home and then I gave a few more dollars. And an eye. Can't forget about that one.

And I am here. Damnit! I am here.

Because the office called and I joined up. Again.

Looking at Amy I shook my head as I stood up. "It's been a hellva party but I think I need to get some sleep. After all we have a fucking mission to get on to right."

Throwing my napkin down I walked out and up the stairs. I am tired. This mission is going to be painful. I can feel it in every pore that I have.

I finished doing the all thinking thing and walked towards the kitchen again. Hmm, waistline is setting to look like I have walked back towards the kitchen again. But food is my friend and I thought I smelled something baking. Or maybe it was wishful thinking. Baking smells would mean Willow or Amy were there. Now the question to my brain is which would I rather see. Shockingly enough, I don't think I am really sure. If I was asked 24 hours ago it would have been Willow, hands down. Now? Who knows.

I stood on the other side ot the door just thinking. This world keeps changing, at times faster than I can keep up. One day I am a normal guy and the next still normal in a world that is completely unrealistic. Or would have been if I wasn't in the know.

And now we have a new vamp variety. Who would have thought vampires were different flavors. Baskin Robbin vampage is not a good thing in my book. Hopefully they still be the stake in the unbeating heart and dusty thing. That I can handle. If they are like those Uber dudes, not really in the mood to play with them. I do know my limits. If they wear priesty collars and have a taste for eyeballs Buffy is gonna be on her own. I already gave to the company store. No more withdraws there I hope.

I finally pushed open the door and put a fake smile on.

"Smells great. Anything ready for the eating yet?"

[open to whoever is in the mood to be a baking goddess]

I had a good day. I think that Amy may have too. Can't say though, that's for her to decide. Just a nice normal not save the world day. Walking around looking at the sights, talking quietly about life. Nothing huge mind you, just life in general. Sometimes it's what you need to recharge those batteries. To be able to climb back on a horse that you know is going to buck you from hell and back.


When I was younger I would turn to Will when I couldn't handle what was going on. Talking about pre-Buffy years. The secret years, when I was forming at the hands of my parents. When there were bruises given not from the night but from those who should have been there to comfort and tell me that the boogyman was a myth. Maybe that's why I didn't question demons though. I lived with two of the worst. And they were human.

And they shaped me. Made me into who I am. I didn't want to be like that to Anya, so I ran. Hell I always have run in some shape or form. Just not in a way that the others could tell. Not like the actual runnage that Buffy did after Angel went to Hell. Not like the running Willow did when Tara died. Truth is we are all runners. Every single one of us in some way.

Days like today put me in a thinking mood. Image that. Alexander Harris can be deep. Who would have thought........

None of us living here really fit anywhere else. Okay, not sure about the three new ones, but the rest of us we're screwed up. Like that island of freaked out toys in that Rudoloph story. We can venture away for a while but we misfits always end up back together. Just add in a few more misfits.

What's more screwed up than demons with a soul? Pretty boys who think human and look human but are so far from it that it's funny. At times the others seem to forget that they aren't what we fight. Hell at times I even almost think of Spike as a friend. But I don't forget. They may look all house broken but given the right situation and I ain't going down that dark alley with them. Like my blood in my own veins, thank you very much.

And Kennedy? Any other place I would say let the bitch go. But she's good for Will. Grounds her. Gives her a stable base so that my best friend isn't some wacked out black eyed Rambo. On the wrong side. Don't think I have ever been so afraid in my life as that period of time. If I had lost her, I don't think I could have ever gone on. Of course if she hadn't come back to us, don't really think that it would have mattered since the world as we know it wouldn't be here. Yep, we'd be adrift in a big old world of nothing.

Not even going to start my head on thoughts of Buffy and Faith. Can we just say the world isn't ready for more than the two of them. There may be a ton of little slayers running around now but the two of them. They are The Slayers. The only two that have been tested and primed for the ultimate actions. The rest, just a bunch of little girls with He-Man power. Not the stuff that makes for legends. I'd make a mint if I ever wrote up their adventures.

Dawn. Dawn is special. She's so normal. And then she's not. She's not really real. She is but she isn't. Memories of her and the hero worship of me, not real. There never was a time when I saved her when she was ten from the bullies on the way home from school or took her to the movies when she had chicken pox at twelve to keep the boredom at bay. Never happened and yet it feels like it did. Wish they had, wish she didn't have to have come because of badness. Just been a normal kid, with normal crap happening to her. Maybe now she is just normal. Not really wanting to find that one out though. I'll let myself just immerse in false memories and think they are real. I did mention I was a runner. It's how I survive.

I could think now on Amy. If I did though I would have to stop running away. Start caring and opening up again. I'm not ready. May say I am, may act like I am but I am still a runner.

But when I stop running, then I may actually open up. And god help me, I may end up opening up to her. Question is, when does the runner stop running?

Seems that the lovebirds are all in the love of nestling and the good stuff. Which leaves me a freedom day of exploring this great city. Alone. Oh joy. Just what I wanted to do, Have a day to myself where I can do the think and dwell thing. Could have stayed in California to do that.

Have to wonder what Buffster has in mind for me here. Not like I am the superfly fight guy. And less of one now.

Okay so not a way to keep thinking if I want a semi-decent day. Tourist time. Tourists are not brooders with a chip on their shoulders. They are happy go lucky fun lovers. They wander around mindlessly in places that can get them drained and ...........again not in the right state of mind.

I hear the shower turn off and smile. Time to see if Amy is on the up and up. That much I can do. I moved to my room and dressed in some jeans and a decent shirt. So over the old look of fumbling nerd. If these past few years thought me anything, clothes do make the man. And I am making. Just not quite sure what yet.

Yeah Harris, you had a job. Major accomplishment in the scheme of things. You can swing a hammer like a trained monkey. Better though then being the butt monkey of evil.

Brushing my hair I looked in the dresser mirror. Not bad for a one eyed loser. Walking down the hall, I knocked on Amy's door.

"Want to hit the sights? Not much else to do today, not til Buffy gets ready for us to be all patrol and dagger at least."

[open to Amy]

Sleep is a funny thing. It comes quick at times and carries you away to places you can't go to in the awaking hours. Not that I really am in the mood for those places lately. I used to have some really awesome dreams. Dozens of eager horny bunnies crawling over me. All wanting the Xan Man. And none of them were gay or demons girls or screaming at me how it was my fault that they were sliced like a grapefruit. Now it can go the other way, you lay on a strange bed and close your eyes with nothing happening. Always happens when I am so tired I can't see straight. When I need sleep the most, it's no where to be found.

Story of my life. With the light of a new day streaming into the room I finally gave up.

Oh well, there's always coffee. If I am the first down I wouldn't have to stomach the girls little flavor crap. I mean coffee is meant to taste like coffee. Not some French special of the week. I am so not a special blend kind of guy. Not least not first thing in the morning. Give me a cup of java and tons of sugar and I am set to hammer the hell out of something.

I passed the closed door of the others quietly, listening to soft snores and dead silence. Only good thing about have a vampire house pet is they don't snore. At all. Must be that being dead thing. And to think Buffster actually slept with them without having the hibbie jibbies. I mean come on, DEAD! That in itself would be to gross to even think about. So I won't. Think. About. It.

And now everyone is paired off. Girl with girl, with girl with girl. Again, not thinking. Best if I just walk down the stairs and forget that they are all up there in someone's arms. Well, some of them. My best friends. Not that I would begrudge them a chance of happiness. Now Will, I get. I have grown used to her and her gayness. It's like normal to me now. What I don't get is Buffy and Faith. Maybe they aren't. Of course the looks that Faith was giving Buffy I know way to well. I had that look for all those fun high school years. Maybe Buffy is giving her the look she gave me back. Not that I really think that's a given.

I can see it now. Later in life we both can talk about our first times. With Faith. Hot times there. Again, with the nonthinkage.

Wonder how Dawn and Cordy are taking this latest trip into the fun world we live in?

Coffee in the machine and the switch is flipped. Now just to wait for some caffenine to liven me up. Hell if I am feeling really bold I may even make breakfast. Sure there is cereal around. I am a good pourer. Pour right up there with the pros.

New day. New town. Same old me.

Is it wrong of me to be looking at the structure of yet another new home to be demolished? I mean, let's get real, every home I have been in since knowing Buffster has been destroyed in one way or another. Only so many ways to fix a window or door. I should know, been fixing them all for some time now.

Not that I'm complaining. It's something I can do for the cause but swinging a hammer is a bit harder when one eye says the nail is here and the other, well the pirate way of life doesn't have another.

I had finally started having a life again. True, not a happy and jumping for joy one, but something that in the "real" world would appear to be a fraction of normal. A job, an apartment of my own. Beer and poker on Tuesday nights, instead of which demon is on first and who's at the plate.

But then of course I would have to sleep and see her face staring at me, asking me why I didn't save her. Why, always why. A question I could never answer. Would she have survived if Andrew had been paired with Dawn and Anya with me? Would Dawn have fallen? Do I want to think about that day anymore, play out the different scenarios in my head? When the world is saved by a vampire it's just .......

Can't think of the past. Must push on to the future. A future that is certain to bring in the gloom and the doom.

Yea I know, I'm the happy go lucky one. Teller of jokes. The one that sees the glass half full. But it's not. The damn glass has been empty for way to long. You fill it up and then some asshole knocks it over again. The jokes aren't as funny these days. Think I have that hospital humor thing going on where the more morbid it is, the easier it is to poke fun at it.

"So Buff, wanna be roomies?" Will not look at Faith to see the glare. Who the hell do I shack up with here? Better not be one of those vamps. Been there, done that, still have the ropes and chair somewhere in a big pit.

Yep, we're back to the old way of life. Demons to the left of us, warriors to the right. Back in the middle again.

Here I am Ahn, back in the middle again.

Think you can look down over me? Say a prayer. Tell me in the nightly dream that all is well and we're going to make it out of this one with all our body parts nicely secured to our own bodies.

{{Buffy}} I walked slowly back into the lobby of the Hyperion, arms crossed across my chest as though I were guarding my body from the cold. That wasn't really the thing though. It was more of a stressed out thing. I had taken a long walk, and when I say long, I mean like, marathon walk. It was supposed to clear my head. But it didn't. I was still all kinds of contemplatey. I spotted Xander, and offered him a soft, but slightly tensed smile as I walked over to the sofa he sat on and sat next to him, turning just my head to face him. "So..." I said, trying to lighten my own mood before getting down to the nitty grittiness. "Come here often?"

She had that look. The one that told me something big and world ending was on the horizon. the one where I would melt and give up everything for. Damnit. "Only when I want the pretty girls to fall at my feet. You falling yet?" Sighing I shrugged, my head nodding, "So what's up Buffster. Another new Big Bad coming to town?"

Okay, was I really that easy to read? I mean, it seemed like everyone I'd encountered since Giles gave me the big and incredibly ominous run down was immediately able to read it on my face. Note to self: Check for writing on forehead. Hmm. Dualy noted. I pouted slightly. "Well... not really. I mean, there's a Big Bad and all. A new one. But... he's not exactly coming here, in the sense of, you know, coming here. He's actually staying where he's at. And we're going there." I explained, trying to still process everything Giles had told me, while doing the best I could to relay the particulars to the gang. "Ever wanted to go to Italy?" I asked, trying to sound non chalant.

I looked at her with the goofy grin I used whenever I wanted to haul tail. "Well, I always wanted to see the world. On the travel station." No, she was not going to ask me to give up my life for ........yes she was. And I knew in the end I would. "So how many tickets are going on my Visa this month? Think I will have a couple of free ones for air miles?" Making mental notes on how to quit already. Damn and I liked this job.

I smiled at him. Good old Xander. He'd lost so much for me, and for the world as a whole, and yet, there never really seemed to be a point where he was down for the count. You could take away everything from him, his pride, his girlfriend, his depth perception, and yet he was still standing. I know Angel and Spikes were "Champions", but in my eyes, so was Xander. "No plane tickets on the Visa, Xan. We've got that all covered, courtesy of some benefactory type guy who used to be in the Council. He's all grateful that we saved the world and all, so he's taking care of our perpetual financial woes." i explained, smiling slightly to myself. Though initially suspicious of this Lucius character, he seemed legit, and more than that, he seemed to really want to help us. He was the answers of prayers I hadn't even known I prayed. "So, basically... all I need is for you to get on a Rome bound plane." I said, feigning brightness, which then softly faded. "Look, I know this is a lot to ask, and I know that you just got settled here... but we need you, Xander. I mean, you know, I need you." I said, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. "Can't do it without you."

"Oh yayness. Buffy I know you're not trusting some idiot from the Council. The First was bad, beyond bad but at least we don't have them breathing down our backs anymore." For someone so intelligent Buffy always trusted some idiot man. Angel, Spike..Riley wasn't that bad but hey Initative. But somehow in the end we all gave our all for her. "Always wanted to have a real pizza. They do have beer in Rome right?" Sighing, we both knew that I was already on board. "Can you at least try not to rush in this time? Planning is a good thing." I rubbed my patch without even realizing it. The throbbing pain already coming in force. "Who else is on the team?"

"Xander, I understand your concern, but this guy's the real deal. He's not just some idiot from the Council. He was some kind of insurgent, someone who didn't agree with the Council." I insisted, not really sure who I was trying to convince more, myself or Xander. "I promise you, we'll do this right. I mean, there's kind of a slight rush to get there, but it will be a well planned rush." I said, trying my best to soothe his fears. I needed him, and he was risking, once more, for me. The least I could do was blindfold him before leading him out in front of the firing squad. I shrugged as he asked me who else was on the team. "The usual suspects. Willow. Faith. Angel. Wesley seems really interested too, but not so sure about Giles." I said. "I haven't really gotten to talk to too many people yet. But so far, everyone seems to be inclined."

"Angel?" Okay, there is my out card of danger card. Now do I play it? Do I say no for a change? Standing up I paced a little. Then I did that one thing that was always my undoing. I looked into her eyes and was sunk. "Just point me in at the plane and push me on."

I had to say yes, had to agree to fight along side her. At some point you'd think I would have gotten that word no into my vocabulary. It's not a hard one, two simple letters but NO! I said yes. And now some idiot vampire thinks that playing with my eye patch is just the most fun he's ever had.

If I could only get this depth perception down he'd be a laughing pile of dust. What's so hard about a poke here and poof, no more laughing hyena voice.

I should have stayed home. In the nice hotel room with the flowing mini bar and laughed as she told me about the new crop of vamps littering the streets.

"Oh Buffster, if you think you could take a sec and save my ass I would really appreciate it. Like NOW!"

Looking at the dust I grabbed her into a bear hug.

"Thanks, and you were telling me about this Judas guy. Read parts of the Bible and it never mentioned that he was in leagues with the Master."

Shaking my head as I realized that the dust pile now included my last patch. Wonderful. Now I look like a half baked Bringer on top of everything else.

"Anyone up for beer and pizza? They do have Domino's here don't they?"

He sat at the bistro sipping his beer lost in a sea of sentimental memories that rushed throughout him. Somewhere inside was still the unsure boy of the past but lately he had been overlooked as the strong man emerged. Dreams had rapidly been displaced as the harsh life had shaped and turned him into a colder version of the happy go lucky one the others knew.

Loves past. Death became most of those who had ventured into his heart to the point that he rather not even bother. Damn, even to him that sounded like an old man talking. And he wasn't old, only in spirit. The challenges that he had faced aging him more than years ever could.


At some point he had become skilled and confident in his abilities. Ones that were useful in the real world even. A world that didn't include vampires and creatures that those Grimm boys had thought up. Possibly had been or had seen. He figured if you traced back the council they would be on the rosters of Watchers or those in training. Their knowledge of the things that bumped in the night way to realistic to be anything less.


And now he sat watching those who spoke in a language that he hadn't a clue rush about as he debated over jumping into the fray again. The number to call already etched on his brain, just undialed. Finally he picked up the cell. They expected him to anyway. The one who he had loved and never won knew she could call day or night and he would drop everything to be by her side fighting the darkness.

Punching in the numbers he sighed as the golden voice answered on the other end of the line.
"Buffy, it's me. Heard you needed another door replaced or some kind of nonsense. Seems you just can't stay out of trouble can you?"


And the past fell away, with her voice he was back to the sidekick role. Xander was home.